Bishop Bill Lewis of the Dakotas tells of four bulls deciding what they want to do when they graduate from school. One bull said, I want to go to Rome and become a papal bull. The second bull said, I want to go to New York City and be a bull of Wall Street. The third bull said, I want to go to China and become a bull in a China shop. The fourth bull said: I can’t believe you guys. I don’t want to go to Rome, to New York City or to China. I want to stay right here and be a bull for heifer, and heifer and heifer.

Many people believe they can find joy and delight only if they go somewhere else — Rome, New York City, China — rather than discovering the secret of joy right where they are!

Dr. David McKechnie is pastor of a Presbyterian church in Houston. One Sunday afternoon, he and his wife Linda were late for a luncheon, so he started pressing the pedal to the metal, as the saying goes. Soon he heard a siren behind him, and he pulled off to the side of the road.

“Are you familiar with the speed limit in this area?” the officer said through the window.

“Yes, sir, I am,” replied McKechnie.

“What is it?” the officer demanded.

“Thirty miles per hour.”

The officer said, “May I see your driver’s license?”

McKechnie reached into his billfold and pulled out the driver’s license and the insurance certificate for good measure. Since the car was leased for Dr. McKechnie by his church, the owner’s name on the insurance papers was Grace Presbyterian Church.

Seeing this, the officer asked, “What do you do for a living?”

“Normally, I’m delighted to answer that question. But in this case, I’m embarrassed to say I’m the pastor of Grace Presbyterian Church.”

The officer quickly answered: “Reverend, there must be a parable here somewhere.”

McKechnie answered: “I’m sure there is.”

To that the officer said, “How about ‘we can’t have the shepherd outrunning the flock?’”

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from a Cow:

1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don’t cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There’s no fat, no calories, no cholesterol and no taste!

4. Eat the grass on your side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it’s worth!

7. It is better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honor thy fodder and thy mudder and all your udder relatives.

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

10. Always let them know who’s bossy.

11. Cow-pies happen – just don’t stand in them.

12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

13. Don’t forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

Posted in Humor ]]> http://sheblogan.wordpress.com/2009/09/24/every-teachers-dream/feed/ 1 Ace http://sheblogan.wordpress.com/2009/09/15/kids-say-the-darndest-things/ http://sheblogan.wordpress.com/2009/09/15/kids-say-the-darndest-things/#comments Tue, 15 Sep 2009 19:40:50 +0000 sheblogan http://sheblogan.wordpress.com/?p=2678 ]]>

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, she said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Bobby looked up and replied innocently, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

New research finds the happiest Americans are the oldest. Older adults are more socially active than the stereotype of the lonely senior suggests, social activity can help keep away the blues.

Duke Univ. aging expert Linda George reports the odds of being happy increase 5% with every 10 years of age.

33% of Americans report being very happy at age 88, vs. 24% of those age 18 to their early 20s.

Throughout the study years, most Americans reported being “very happy” or “pretty happy.” Less than 20% said they were “not too happy.”

A separate Univ. of Chicago study found 75% of people 57 to 85 engage in one or more social activities at least weekly (socializing with neighbors, attending religious services, volunteering or going to group meetings). Those in their 80s were twice as likely as those in their 50s to do at least one of these activities.

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FROG PRINCE:  An 80 year-old woman was walking down the main street in her hometown one evening when she heard a low voice say, “Hey lady.” She looked around to see who was talking but upon seeing nobody there she shrugged it all off and continued walking.

Before she got another five feet, she heard the same voice, only a little louder, say, “Hey lady!” She once again looked around and didn’t see anybody, but when she went to walk again she saw a frog sitting at her feet looking at her. The frog then opened his mouth and said, “Could you please help me?”

The elderly woman was shocked at first but picked up the little frog and asked him what he needed. The frog proceeded to tell the woman that he was actually a handsome young prince that had been turned into a frog. All the lady had to do was to kiss the frog on the lips and he would turn back into a handsome prince, and would then be eternally grateful to the woman.

Well, the woman thought for a moment and then quietly slipped the frog into her purse. As she was walking away, she quietly muttered, “At my age I’ll have more fun with a talking frog.”

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BIRTHDAY STATS: Everyday in the U.S. and Canada, 800,000 people are having a birthday.

• The average person receives 8 birthday cards and 4 gifts a year.
• 11,000 Baby Boomers turn 50 each day and will for the next decade.
• Almost 110,000 people have celebrated their 100th birthdays with a projection of more than 200,000 by 2010.
• 62% of all everyday greeting cards sold are bought for birthdays.
• There are more birthdays in August than any other month.

After issuing drivers licenses for over 20 years the clerk took a new job with the  County Court House.  He was assigned to issue marriage licenses.  First day on the job he got into trouble. Young couples were leaving his desk red faced and angry.  The Register of Deeds came over to find out what was wrong.

“I can’t seem to help it,” muttered the dismayed clerk. “I just can’t get out of the habit of asking whether they want the license for business of pleasure.”

______________

Bride: “He’s so romantic.  Every time he speaks to me he starts with, ‘Fair Lady.’”
Attendant: “Romantic, my eye. He used to be a bus driver.”

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A widower asked the computer dating service to find her the perfect mate: “I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities.”
Back came the answer: “Marry a penguin.”

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An 75-year-old widow went on a blind date  with an 80-year-old man.  When she returned to her apartment building later that night, she seemed upset. “What happened? the neighbor asked.
“I had to slap his face three times!”
“You mean he got fresh?”
“No,” she answered. “I thought he was dead.”

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I’m getting ready for a wedding. ONE MORE DAY…

My 1997 Dodge Caravan Sport needs $1,050 repair work. I took it into the dealer service department and was told that a bearing went on the Air Compressor Unit.

I took it in a year ago and they told me the Air-Conditioning Unit was shot.  So I drove away with all windows open like in the early days.  But now it froze up and blew a bearing which made this aggravating noise when the engine started up.  If left unchecked it could throw a belt and pulley that is connected to the whatchamacallit and the gizmo breaking down would cause nuclear war and the end of sliced bread.

This is a CHRYSLER product.  I repeat – this is a product made when CHRYSLER was giving their executives bonuses like Condos in Rio de Janeiro.  The parts guy said a part was FOUND in Chicago to fix the deal and I would have air-conditioning again and a smooth ride and the bowling channel  for 100 years if I repaired the car.  But not until next Monday.  So I said “Okay, do it. And then I’ll just eat Raman noodles for three months.”

The best ever car GM made was the Corvette. wish it had been a Chrysler.  But I never bought one thinking that church members would think I was skimming the offering plates.  Looking back I should have accepted that bright canary Yellow one I was offered after the funeral I did for a guy named “Louie the Hammer.”

Kathy bought the Caravan when I was in England for a month.  She traded in our boxy Chevy Astro for the 3 year old Sport Caravan.  My wife is a go getter of which I am ever grateful for her independent mind as I drank tea and slept in damp old houses along the English sea coast for Jesus.  I have never been away longer than 6 days since then.

The Dodge has 122,000 miles on it and full of memories packing our kids to college at the 3 M’s = Minneapolis, Milwaukee, and Madison.

I can’t let her go so she’ll be fixed up until the next time.  I just hope GM doesn’t say then, “We found a part in Naples from a Muslim junk yard.  It will really cost you REV.!”  Even so come soon. Lord Jesus.