“Negotiating Family Time during the Holidays”
“It seems that because you aren’t making enough time for my family and me, you are being selfish during such an important time of the year.” Does this sound familiar? One of the numerous stressors that the holidays bring to marriage is deciding which extended family to spend the day with. While many couples simply alternate holiday time with one another’s extended families, nevertheless, there is often built up resentments and frustrations associated with merrymaking arrangements (ironically). So how does one navigate extended family time during the holidays so that everyone will still be having fun during the actual festivities?
“The three rules of negotiating family holiday visits are compromise, compromise, compromise,” according to Diana DelCampo, New Mexico State University’s Cooperative Extension Service’s family life specialist. Compromise is truly the all-encompassing virtue. This compromise should not only characterize your conversations but for deeper problems, characterize the renewed belief system that will help you get past the gridlock. Here are some suggestions to cheer up the holiday seasonsize
1. Expand your perspective when looking at the family picture— Intertwining your entire worlds and families at marriage is a beautiful concept, however most people focus on the differences between their own family and “the in-laws.” The many differences can be a blessing to children giving them a larger scope of life but oftentimes people focus on their in-laws’ weaknesses. Would there be as much frustration if you honestly cared as much for your in-laws as your own family? As your relationship grows it is important to remember to keep total respect and equal union with your spouse as your goal.
2. Rather than pointing fingers, examine any bias in yourself– Rather than becoming offended when your spouse does not seem to care enough about spending time with your family, take an inventory on you own feelings towards their family and if they arre negative, it is your duty to change it rather tham blaming your spouse. Some people may secretly harbor feelings that their family is somehow better than their spouses’. It is natural, considering family pride and that you have spent your entire life with your own family. If you have these thoughts, remember that you can learn something from everyone and try your hardest to focus on your in-laws best qualitites.
3. Discuss don’t assume—In D’Lyn Ford’s article on holiday family negotiation it says, “Making decisions and setting priorities can help keep the peace, as long as family members remember the art of compromise.” Communicate with your spouse any concerns and don’t forget to ask for the input of the kids.
4. Be creative and flexible- If you alternate time spent between extended families, be flexible enough to divert from the schedule during extenuating circumstances, such a loved one’s recent diagnosis of a terminal illness or a grandparent recenlty becoming single. Don’t rule out trying to spend the important day with both families either, if it can be done. “Another way that some stepfamilies deal with the holidays is having their own family celebration on another date, such as December 30, instead of December 25,” DelCampo said. “That way, you’re able to keep existing traditions and start a new one.”
This week come up with a plan to make this holiday season one that strengthens your marriage rather then weakens it.
Background: 95% of married couples are either satisfied or very satisfied with their marital relationship. The unhappy 5% will either cycle back into the 95% group or get divorced. At some point almost all marriages will transition into the unhappy 5%, but most move back into the 95% group over time.
Problem: As long as a couple is satisfied with their marital relationship they aren’t likely to seek out the tools that can prevent them from entering the unhappy group. However, we have found that when people read about these tools, over 90% will implement what they learn and most will teach the information to others.
